Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Can't sleep post...

Yes, it is 12:45 in the morning!!! And I can't sleep. This is 'going out late' for me. Which Evan and I never really did, so how would I actually know? Hehe, anywho, we came to my Granny & Pawpaw's earlier today and ended up staying the night. BB went to sleep at his normal earlish time, but Aaden, not so much. The boys don't stay away from home, I think they are still too young, others have different opinions though, I'm sure. I mean they have, just not often. Aaden was so happy, he went and crawled in Granny's bed with her, he thought he was The Boss in the big bed. So cute, and so animated, as usual. I finally convienced him to come in what he calls, 'his bed' at Granny's, to watch Cinderella. Once he fell asleep I realized I had been staring at him for almost an hour, because Cinderella was over. It brought a lot of things to my mind. Such as, how flipping adorable he is, things I could do to keep him so peaceful, wanting him to eat a full meal, just once, to understand he has an amazing family, and friends we consider family, to know he will never meet my Mom, Big Momma, Big Daddy, and others that left us before Aaden was born.

The main thing I think about lately is, what would my Mom think about Aaden.

{I know most of my posts are about Aaden, this is definitely not a 'favorite' thing, this is me expressing how I feel about Aaden's condition, he is our -not so easy- child that I cry at night wanting to help and understand}

So tonight, as A and I are laying in the room my Mom and I lived in for a while at my Granny's (I'm pretty sure) I imagine her being her and wondering what words of wisdom she would have for me. I know I lose my temper with Aaden, even when I know that adds to his stressful days. Sometimes, I feel like I can't deal with him at all. I hate saying Aaden has a 'condition', but he does. I have accepted it, and I am more than grateful it isn't anything life threatening, it's just something we have to figure out day by day. But really... what would my Mom say?? I was only 9 when she passed, but I remember her being the most caring, passionate person I think I will ever know. I remember her yelling at me one time, knowing I deserved it many other times. It was not long before she passed, if I remember correctly, I was playing ball in the house with my step-dad, Pops, and I was obviously swinging for the fence, as always, right? Well, the ball hit her Scarlet O'Hara off the mantle. Yes, she LOVED Gone with the Wind. Poor Scarlet's whole head came off. Even while she was upset, I still knew she would always love me, and protect me. I hope she was up above laughing about that time while I was playing ball in high school, and each time I had 2 strikes on me, I would take a deep breath in and say, "This one is for you, Mom."

Phew, I am all over the place tonight, probably because I haven't seen 1AM, unless it was feeding a crying child, in years.

Another thing I think about is Sunday lunch at my Big Momma and Big Daddy's house. They are my Granny's parents. Life was much simplier back then! Every Sunday Big Momma would cook lunch, I would get to go every other Sunday, when it was my Mom's weekend. She always had fried chicken for me, she knew me too well ;) I remember playing on the swing under the HUGE oak tree, and in the dirt underneath it. In all seriousness, she had the COOLEST dirt. It was so fine and dusty. LOL. Yes, I did just say that. How different would things be if we could all go back to the days where plans didn't interrupt family time, and spending hours surrounded by the people you love most, eating amazing food.

I know soon, I want to start talking to Aaden  & Brady about my Mom, and the things I do remember. I talked to my Aunt Shanna, my mom's sister, about a 'grandma' name for my Momma. We came up with Nonnie.  I can hardly wait to share...

I had tons of things on my mind, and I know they are all jumbled up in this post somewhere, if you can't follow it, I guess it was more the less just for me to get some things out. I hope it isn't too difficult.

Pray I can get some rest now!!

Until next time...

With love,
Courtney :)

1 comment:

  1. Oh girl, you brought tears to my eyes. You are such a beautiful and sweet mommy! You are so encouraging! I just love reading your post.