Sunday, October 27, 2013

Finding ME

Have you ever sat back and really thought about who you are? Like dug really deep, and found your joy? I have been questioning myself lately, almost as if I have an alternate ego. Which is definitely not the case. I am most probably the most simple person there is. Or am I really?

There are multiple things that have been on my mind lately... The best way I know how to explain it, is go category by category, and share my alternate perspectives. 

So, with that being said...
1. I am almost 27! Wow, almost 30... bring. it. on.
-How do I really feel about being on the edge of 30- I have absolutely no issue whatsoever with it, I am ready! My car insurance will go down again, that is a huge bonus!! ;)
-Alternate ego- ummm, 30 seems so young these days. Its as if you are treated with a different kind of respect once you hit the big 3-0. Now, to me, that doesn't necessarily mean I will act any different or grown up anymore than I have already. All in all, it's just a number. A number I am not scared to hit.

2. Marriage--Evan and I got married at 21, we had been together since we were 17, in high school.
-Perks, we have grown together, as a couple, and as individuals. We have been thru some really hard times, and some really fun easy times, considering we were such great friends before we started 'dating'. I love that I can trust him with anything, I can talk to him, and rely on him to always be there. Even when we are butting heads about stupid things.
-Alternate ego- Marriage is tough. Period. While we have grown up together, there are also times when we have very different opinions about things. Hell, I know this is something all relationships go thru. Although, sometimes, I think it's more difficult to grow as individuals, because we have relied on each other for so long, the the times when we were trying to learn who 'we' were.

3. Kids
-Honestly, I have no idea where to start. Our boys are complete crazies. But would I change it... absolutely not. Do they give me a headache every single day, with their nonstop shenanigans? YES!!! Every single day. They pitch fits in the store when they are told no, because they are spoiled little brats. I know this. This is the truth. However, when we all lay our heads down in the same bed, yes, all 4 of us-in the same bed- there is not one single thing I would change.
-I don't think I have an alternate ego on this one. I love my babies, and that is that ;)

4. Money
-Ok, I really have no idea where to start on this one. There was a point in time when we barely had enough money for groceries, heck, I have borrowed money from my Granny for groceries before. Things happen. Now that we are a lot more financially stable, I find ourselves splurging a lot. A lot more than I think we intend to. It seems the more money you make, the more you spend. I think it is absolutely impossible to stay on the same budget when your pay doubles... I never would have thought I would admit that. But there it is. So, with that... we go thru stages of wanting to save every penny we make, to buying EVERYthing. Right now we are on the saving everything binge. Which is great! Until my...
-Alternate ego kicks in... I mean, you can't take money to the grave with you, right?? Example- We are complete label whores, I am not denying that one bit. I have a major crush on designer handbags. So when I walked into the Kate Spade outlet, and they were having a HUGE sale, I bought a purse. Normally a $468, I got for under $140. Do I feel bad for spending that money on myself? Um, yes. But am I happy with my bag?? Um, YES! I am in love.  Then there is grocery shopping, you know, the night you go grocery shopping and spend $200 on groceries, but then pick up fast food because you are so worn out from shopping? That's us. Oh well. Money technically does grown on trees ;)

Ok, well those are a few of the things I have been thinking about lately... Now to get all juicy on you.
I will be 27 in less than a month, and honestly, I do not feel like I know ME. Who am I? What do I enjoy doing? Why do I keep so much anger locked up inside? Have I not grieved properly after losing my mom at such a young age? 

I have no idea.

I have a very hard time trusting people. I am probably the most shy person you will meet. I strive for acceptance. I fear rejection. I am terrified of the dark. I have very few good friends. I have a hard time showing affection. I have absolutely no energy until about 8:00 at night (random, but true). I completely suck at communicating.

I lost my mom to a tragic car accident when I was 9 years old. Although my parents were already divorced and remarried- and I lived with my dad- growing up without a compassionate mother figure was hard. Yes, my dad was remarried, but my step-mom, at the time, and I didn't get along very well. We would go, literally, months without speaking a word to each other. From a very early age, I'm talking 1st grade, I was doing all the laundry in the house. So, just call me Cinderella. Sometimes I feel like I haven't forgiven my dad for what I went thru with her. But then, I can't really blame him, because he was completely blind to it. I am so thankful for my Daddy, I really am. I wish we could go back to when we were a lot closer. But living 8 hours away, and he having a 'new family' is really difficult. So much has changed over the last 8 years. But I do think that is part of the reason I have a hard time trusting people. The mother figure in my life, completely abused me mentally- for 14 years. With all that being said, we are on speaking terms now, and I have forgiven her of her jealousy, because that's what it was. Seriously, where would I be without my Grandparents?! My Granny and Pawpaw & my Mawmaw and Pawpaw are all 4 complete warriors for helping raise me. I am forever grateful for them, and that my babies are able to enjoy them as well.
I often think how different things would be if my Mom was still here. Granted, I have the best guardian angel there is, but oh I wish she was here.

Deep down, I like to think I have accepted Aaden's Aspergers diagnosis, but then again, I don't think I have. I know it is just a label, and with that label comes the best way to help him. It gives us a guideline- a plan. But it is so dang hard. He is 4, so how do you differentiate between what is normal 4 year old stuff and what is Aspergers related? Sometimes what seems like normal 4 year old behavior turns into something unconsolably Aspergers related. It sucks. I wouldn't change Aaden, for the world, but I wish I understood. So, have I accepted it? Yes and No. Do I wish he was 'normal' (if there is a such thing)? Yes, there are times I wonder why the gift of Aspergers was given to us. Because, that's what it is, a gift.

I had this post all planned out perfectly in my head, I guess you can say I'm a little ADD, because I went completely off path. So, definitely a 'Finding ME' Part 2, to come.